January 31, 2008 at 5:24 pm (Uncategorized)
There was a section in today’s lesson with Letafet about the top picks in 100 Places to See Before You Die, with cruelly taunting photos and writeups about Petra and Venice and Thailand and so on. My heart just screamed for escape- perhaps spring fever has come early. I feel very distracted and unfocussed, with my mind only half able to concentrate on work, and with one eye fixed on my crumbling flat, willing me to burst forth and catch a plane to somewhere extremely far from the noise and crowds and cold.
The hall wall is falling off in bubbly chunks in the shapes of countries and small islands, revealing some sort of plasticky fuzzy thin insulation beneath it, growing out of the hard concrete wall. The landlady had casually told me to just peel it off to the base layer, to sand it down, to repaint it. My job. Not hers. Not some random crappy labourer’s. The pipe burst deep in the communal walls and the ensuing discord and disarray is all mine. I crave sunny tile walls and tile ceilings and tile floors covered in lovely carpets. No more ceiling paint flakes clogging the shower drain; no more kitchen ceiling paint falling on my spices. I am having a very hard time right now, dealing with the physical world. I want to be rid of all my furniture, all my walls, all my ceilings. I want a tent and a car, somewhere near the hot, dry, empty Wahiba Sands in Oman. A bag for a few books and clothes. That’ll do. I’m feeling rather overwhelmed.
The sun is lovely today. Cool though. And our lone heater keeps turning itself off at random times without warning, without reaching the required minimum temperature. And the tiny stainless steel espresso maker went all hissy and steamy this morning, producing only a dribble of grind-filled coffee. But the sun is lovely. And it’s Thursday. And tomorrow is friday. And I’m going for a beer with Zack in a Mecidiyeköy man-bar after work tonight so I can vent without boring D.
Thinking about Bogota today.
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January 29, 2008 at 5:43 pm (Uncategorized)
It’s snowing like mad out there. I really hope none of my students come. I really do. My Tues/Thurs night class is really annoying and apathetic and I would much rather go home and drink tea.
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January 28, 2008 at 4:19 pm (Uncategorized)
We have had fierce winds today, and rain, and snow, and a general heavy cloudy low sky that just keeps pressing down on my already tired bones. Lola has been pretty fierce in her morning shouting so I’ve slept badly all week. She shouts if she’s in the bedroom and she shouts when we close the door on her. If she is in, she sits on my chest and shouts, or she tears herself along the edge of my bed, horizontal, claws propelling her along the length of the base, the poor shredded base. If she is out, she stays at the door and shouts a persistent meowmeowmeow for hours at a time, with intermittent door thumps and scratches. I can’t win. I feel like I have a very agressive baby with fierce claws. When I am sleeping, my dreams are heavy and stupidly reality-referential, drawing on the niggling thoughts already in my mind and expanding on them in odder and odder settings. Last night I was in a gymnaseum somewhere far away, travelling, and I was told very abruptly that I must leave. So I started to pack my bags and realised that the things I needed to pack just kept growing and expanding until the job was impossible. Then I realised I had forgotten to tell work I was going away, then…
So, I am trying to focus my mind on good things- like our trip to Mardin, down by Syria in the South East, next month for a long weekend. The Turkish Daily News (whom I do editing work for already) have asked me to do a writing piece on that. I’ll take a bazillion photos in the bright clear Mesopotamian plains, which is something that makes me very happy. We will explore. We will sleep. We will sleep in a city that has clear and distinct parameters which we can see and see beyond. Istanbul just never stops and its hard on my system.
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January 26, 2008 at 8:49 pm (Uncategorized)
I stole this from
. I have a tendency to resort to theft in times of mental resignation. Both D. and Lola (aka Tex) are sleeping and I’m reading Naomi Wolf’s End of America. Thinking about tea and red Twizzlers and a big bowl of spicy, impossible pho. Have yet to leave the house today- watched the end of season 3 of Lost (o, god) and made a huge batch of arrabiata penne and drank a lot of loose leaf tea. Went out with Rachel and Pinar and D. (no Tex) to Nevizade for the first time since before I left for Canada. Managed two and a half beers and was home by 11. I’m either getting old or I’m just in the wrong mindframe.