Slowly working my way through a carton of spicy garlic broccoli-pineapple rice noodles from the magnificent Woku up the street. If I had known three, four years ago- hell, even last year!- that I could find really good Asian noodles in Istanbul (delivery! And not full of cucumber and yogurt and tomato cubes!) I could have been spared some painful food-longing crises. I still have nightmares about that Chinese restaurant in Ankara’s sophisticated Kzlkaya neighbourhood, where the cashew chicken had cucumber chunks floating amongst the (non-cashew) almonds in the tomatoey sauce (resembling the tomato sauce on an Iskender Kebab). We washed it all down with ayran, and then strong cups of sweet Turkish tea. Or that Meksika Makarnas I had at the lone semi-European café in Kayseri, where the Mexican aspect was prepresented by a great quantity of ground beef sautéed in fake curry mix and slathered in feta cheese and mixed with macaroni.
The air has cooled somewhat this week. I don’t wake in a sweat anymore and occasionally find myself wrapped up in my duvet in the morning.
I have been thinking a lot about my move, most imminent (less than 3 weeks!!). Small details like people I wish I had seen more during my time here but who all faded away into invisibility somehow (Yasmin from Suadiye, Iman, Miles) or places I wish I could have visited or revisited (the Black Sea, Cappadocia again after my 2 year absence, the far east around Mardin and anl Urfa and Diyarbakr, Assos ) or cafés I wish I had written a book in or streets I wish I could have lived in. Cherry seasons I wish I had taken better advantage of. And so on. Last minute double-takes and apprehensions. I am ready to go, for the first time since I came here, with no strong need to prove to myself that I can change it for the better and live more honestly and realistically and authentically. I am genuinely tired of the noise, the chaos, the yelling neighbours, honking horns, lack of bicycles, lack of swimming, lack of cultural permeability, lack of quality workmanship or accountability. I’m tired. I just want to go home.
